The past few weeks have been great but intense to say the least. Two weeks ago, Sam and I got married. One week ago, we had an interview with a regional director for CARES teams (an apartment ministry we are applying for). And this past Friday, we were offered an apartment to serve in about 20 minutes from SWBTS.
Lord, why does this scare me so much? All we would be doing is loving on people like you command us to do already. You are a holy and righteous and just God. You are not a God who causes those who follow you to be fearful. God, I prayed and told you that whatever you wanted us to do, we would do it. Now that it seems you are leading this way, I keep praying for you to give direction and to lead us down the right path...YOUR path. What if that is what you are doing and I am afraid that I will fail? I have a pretty good feeling that is the case.
However, the funny thing is that it is not up to me to fail. Maybe to fail would be to not even try. I still feel like I will fail though. I know that God is in control of all of it and that anything I could do could never thwart His plan...otherwise, He would not be sovereign and all-powerful and all-knowing.
My desire is to make the gospel known to all nations, but sometimes I don't feel like I can do it. Then, I remember that I can't do it anyway. Every time I have gone on a mission trip (overseas in particular), it has been clear that it was God who opened the door and arranged the meetings with people who I was able to share the gospel with. And it was also Him who brought about the results. In my opinion, I have never shared the gospel or preached well. Any responses that have ever come as a result surprise me. I think, "I barely remember what I even said but I am pretty sure I did not share it well enough for this to happen." The thing is that I was right. I didn't share it well enough to cause any response at all. It was Him every single time.
I guess I often begin to focus too much on the weaker areas...where I think I can't do something, instead of focusing on what God is doing through me despite my weakness. Nonetheless, I can't allow fear to to guide me...it must always be the Lord.
Faith can be a scary thing sometimes. When the Holy Spirit prompts us to do something, we don't always know what lies on the other side of that step of faith. However, the fear of the unknown can't keep us from taking that step. We may know know what will happen but we do know that the One leading us is good and will not lead us astray.
"I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 3:7-14
